5:51 pm: We officially kick off Grammys 2008 with the red carpet arrivals. And no, we're not referring to Lindsay Lohan.

6:01 pm: Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, Ne-Yo tells E!'s Giuliana Rancic that he's working with the actress on her new album. Make it stop.

6:03 pm: Giuliana is telling us to text the word "carpet" to vote for something or other. Silver platter, Giuliana. Silver platter.

6:08 pm: Who let Celine out? Oh, wait, that's Debbie Matenopoulos, here to provide us all with her fashion expertise. What we've learned: Women, if you want to look hot, starve yourself, master cleanse and don't skimp on the skin. Modesty is overrated and boring.

6:17 pm: The Plain White T's arrive ... with Delilah. Milk it, girl.

6:22 pm: Alicia Keys, who's already won one award tonight, looks elegant in a high-neck blue Armani dress. Giuliana breaks into 'No One' and kills the song guaranteed to be on every Valentine's playlist.

6:28 pm: Tool are making the E! crew really, really uncomfortable.

6:30 pm: Fantasia's new hair is a little too Flock of Seagulls.

6:36 pm: Why is Sabrina the Teenage Witch on the carpet? Is there a Most Frequently Knocked Up award we weren't aware of? Jamie Lynn, where are ya?

6:41 pm: Lisa Rinna's lips have arrived.

6:43 pm: Porn star Stormy Daniels is on the carpet. 'Nuff said.

6:46 pm: Panic at the Disco are bringing awkward back.

6:47 pm: Is it us or is Giuliana getting oranger?

6:57 pm: Tony Bennett's inner dialogue: Who the hell is this chick?

6:58 pm: Carrie Underwood looks like a florist puked on her.

7:14 pm: Rihanna's rockin' new hair. Giuliana calls 'Umbrella' a hair anthem. We feel ya, Tony Bennett.

7:15 pm: Paramore representing Nashville, y'all! Big up to Hillsboro Village.

7:19 pm: Whoa, Nelly! Unfortunate hair alert.

7:23 pm: Fergie's face is looking particularly, um, firm.

7:30 pm: Debbie calls Natasha Bedingfield's makeup "Easter egg-y." That's right. Easter egg-y. Spread it.

7:37 pm: Jay-Z's on the hunt for Feist. If he straps on some M&M-colored leotards, we're so in.

7:42 pm: Cyndi Lauper looks like Tippy Hedron after the birds.

7:47 pm: Beyonce looks like Cinderella-ella-ella ey, ey, ey, on crack.

7:54 pm: Jill Scott may or may not be wearing a garbage bag.

7:59 pm: The Big Show kicks off now on CBS. Giuliana and Debbie sold separately.

8:00 pm: Alicia Keys adds a little chocolate to Frank Sinatra's milk with a duet of 'Learnin' the Blues.'

8:06 pm: Carrie Underwood gets all Bob Fosse on our asses during her performance of 'Before He Cheats.' If boots could kill ...

8:09 pm: Prince is a hot bitch.

8:10 pm: Alicia Keys wins the award for Best R&B Vocal Performance for 'No One.'

8:17 pm: The Time and a keytar! Morris Day in gold lamet. We can't make this shit up.

8:19 pm: Prince? No, Rihanna! Same hair.

8:20 pm: My mother just IM'd me the following: mom [8:21 P.M.]: Go Morris Day and the Time! mom [8:22 P.M.]: Whats up with Miss Keys boobs?

8:24 pm: Tom Hanks introduces Cirque du Soleil's Beatles tribute, 'Love.'

8:31 pm: We're not sure who this kid is but he sounds a helluva lot like Paul. Looks like Stella's got a brother and he's a brother.

8:34 pm: Miley Cyrus and Cyndi Lauper announce Amy Winehouse as the winner for Best New Artist.

8:45 pm: Kanye West takes the stage with Daft Punk for 'Stronger.' Robots have never been sexier. Except maybe for Screech's mate, Kevin, on 'Saved By the Bell.'

8:49 pm: West, bathed in a single spotlight, continues with a song dedicated to his late mother, 'Hey Mama.' The crowd responds with a standing ovation.

8:52 pm: Fergie ruins the moment by opening her mouth.

8:55 pm: mom [8:54 P.M.]: Enough of the sentimental stuff -- Lets rock-n-roll.

8:56 pm: Cirque's 'Love' tribute just won the award for Best Compilation Soundtrack Album. Ringo and George Martin accept the award. Paul, where you at?

8:57 pm: Kelis wins the award for Worst Use of the Bedazzler. She has Nas' controversial album title -- the N-word -- on the back of her jacket.

9:03 pm: Cher! Beyonce! Too much fierceness.

9:04 pm: Beyonce is paying tribute to the R&B divas before her ... we think. In green hot shorts.

9:05 pm: Tina Turner takes the stage with 'What's Love Got to Do With It?'

9:06 pm: Tina is a total GILF.

9:08 pm: Beyonce joins Mama T. Drags queens everywhere are crapping their pants. 'Proud Mary,' y'all.

9:12 pm: Nelly Furtado needs to fire her hairdresser. Amy Winehouse wins Song of the Year for 'Rehab,' making her four-for-four on the evening.

9:21 pm: The hot chick wins the My Grammy contest and gets to play with the Foo Fighters. Did we mention she's hot? Oh, and she plays the violin.

9:23 pm: My mom just IM'd me with concern for Dave Grohl's safety: mom [9:23 P.M.]: Does he have gum in his mouth? mom [9:25 P.M.]: i hope he doesn't get his hair stuck!!!

9:32 pm: Why the hell is George Lopez at the Grammys? Besides to steal Chris Rock's jokes, that is.

9:33 pm: Brad Paisley is playing a paisley-print guitar. Clever.

9:35 pm: My new favorite pickup line: "I'd like to check you for ticks."

9:36 pm: mom [9:34 P.M.]: Brad needs to save the glitter for the girls.

9:37 pm: Chris Brown, Akon and Solange Knowles (coughnepotismcough) present the award for Best Rap Album. Kanye West wins and gets a standing ovation. Also in tribute to his mother: his hair, with "Mama" shaved across the back of his head.

9:40 pm: Kanye, humble as ever, gives backhanded compliments to all of his fellow nominees.

9:43 pm: Aretha Franklin -- holy mother of milk!

9:44 pm: The Queen and Bebe Winans bring some Jesus up in this piece.

9:48 pm: Aretha wore that dress way better than Fergie.

9:56 pm: Carole King and Dierks Bentley pay tribute to Earl Scruggs, before introducing Feist.

9:57 pm: Leslie Feist, the indie rocker who could, skips the pastel leotards for a stripped version of '1234.'

10:01 pm: Things that make you go, 'Hmm.': Kid Rock singing with Keely Smith on 'That Old Black Magic.' Wonder if she's getting contact high?

10:03 pm: Foo Fighters win Best Rock Album for their latest, 'Echo, Silence, Patience and Grace.' Dave Grohl dedicates the honor to his daughter, Violet, who he says inspired him to write the album.

10:11 pm: Stevie Wonder pays tribute to Berry Gordy, the founder of Motown Records, before introducing Alicia Keys.

10:12 pm: Keys changes her hair and the arrangement of her sweet little proclamation, 'No One,' replete with John Mayer on guitar.

10:17 pm: Best Country Album goes to Vince Gill for 'These Days.' "I just got an award given to me by a Beatle," Gill said. "Have you had that happen yet, Kanye?" Oh no he di'in't!

10:29 pm: As for 'Rhapsody in Blue': mom [10:31 P.M.]: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz's. Sorry, Gershwin.

10:33 pm: The winner for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration -- yes, they are handing out awards ... sorta -- is Rihanna featuring Jay-Z on 'Umbrella.' Jigga joins Rihanna on stage to accept the award. Svengali much?

10:40 pm: Amy Winehouse takes the stage to perform 'You Know I'm No Good,' live in London via satellite. Her hive is high and skirt low, just like we love her.

10:43 pm: To prep for the show, Winehouse gone out and got her a new tooth.

10:44 pm: She segues into song of the year: 'Rehab.' Irony.

10:46 pm: Dance lessons are obviously not offered as recreation in rehab. Awkward.

10:49 pm: Tony Bennett and Natalie Cole present the award for Record of the Year to Amy Winehouse. A tearful Amy accepts the honor via satellite, while the crowd chants her name. "For my Blake," she said. "For my Blake incarcerated." It's a love story of another kind. Don't judge.

11:00 pm: Grammy pays tribute to those who passed away this year, including Max Roach, Pimp C, Dan Fogelberg, Porter Wagoner, Ike Turner, Oscar Peterson and Luciano Pavarotti.

11:04 pm: Andrea Bocelli and Josh Groban pay tribute to Pavarotti. What, Michael Bolton wasn't available?

11:13 pm: John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis and Little Richard -- a rock 'n' roll trinity. mom [11:16 P.M.]: I feel like i need to take some Geritol.

11:16 pm: They need no reason to perform other than they're still alive.

11:17 pm: Meanwhile, Little Richard has more hair extensions than Beyonce and Carrie Underwood combined.

11:27 pm: What the bleeding french fry? Usher and Quincy Jones present Album of the Year to Herbie Hancock for his 'River: The Joni Letters.' Winehouse is so going to burn him with her (alleged) crack pipe. Kanye's going to cry about it.

11:30 pm: With that, the 2008 Grammys bid adieu. As do we. And hopefully, Fergie's solo career.