Laugh, Rage, Cry With Sara Quin
The Rules: Over the course of six weeks, we'll challenge Tegan and Sara to blog about one of three themes -- laugh, rage or cry -- and, in fine Sister Quin fashion, wax literal on something that recently made them do just that. It's simple, really. The twins will alternate weeks, bringing their blogging total to 3-all. We wanted to call this series Brooklyn Tegan and Dr. Quin, but then we came to our senses. Without further ado ...This Week's Theme: CRY
Editor's Note: This week's edition of Laugh, Rage, Cry will be a special one, featuring two individual columns by both Tegan and Sara, who chose to respond to the passing of California's Proposition 8, which rescinds the right for homosexuals to marry.
I have been living in Montreal for six years. Montreal -- and Canada in general -- has the reputation for being a more lenient, understanding and open-minded country. Although I am grateful for the legislation that has made me "equal" in the eyes of the law, you cannot legislate away people's disgust or ignorance. You can't remove the stinging intolerance and slurs of homophobic audience members' words in my ears. For any minority, this seems to come with the territory. What helps me hold my head above water is the understanding that I am legally equal in the eyes of my country. I pay taxes, I obey the law, and I respect my place in the community and strive to be successful in it. I want to be inspiring, a role model. I am fueled by the idea that my life as a message dismantles the public's image of gay people as sexual deviants, as less than, as being abnormal.
Sadly, I've managed to find discordant messages in my own community. The most heartbreaking judgment, the most powerful resistance, is in the hearts of those who are gay themselves. I know this could extend to any minority who developed their sense of self and their self-worth based on projections of "normalcy" in the world around them. We're overwhelmed with institutionalized homophobia, sexism, racism and classism. Feast on this your whole life and it's no wonder most of us battle to accept who we are. I could deconstruct the sexism in the gay community, the apathy of those who can disappear into "normal," who avoid supporting the fringe for fear of being associated with it. It goes beyond sex, or haircuts. It's truly disheartening that we can't come together to demand fairness. It's a human rights issue. Taxation without representation is right, Melissa Etheridge! Shame and fear keep us from demanding tolerance and acceptance. It divides us, our communities, our families and keeps us from connecting to the courage that is needed right now.
I attended a wedding recently. As my cousin walked down the isle, her arm linked with her father's, I was moved to tears. The sudden rush of emotion was complicated for me. I love my cousin, and I felt astounding happiness for her. I watched as her fiancé's eyes welled up with tears and I felt overcome. My parents' wedding photos were my favorite when I was a kid. They divorced when I was five, but I loved the way my mom looked, her dress spread out around her on the lawn of my grandparents' funny brown bungalow. My dad, his hair full of ringlets and his unruly beard, standing with the wedding party, not wearing socks in his shoes. I didn't understand marriage but I loved the ceremony of it. I was sad that my parents' marriage dissolved. I was romantic and I wondered if one day I would have children staring at photos of me on my wedding day. I still do. It's what I want for my life. Marriage, love, kids, strange outfits, and awkward photos of cakes being cut and books being signed. I'm not religious, but my second favorite set of photos are of Tegan and I being baptized. I love how unkempt my parents look holding us, we're blooming out of our baby blankets, in the arms of our relatives. The ceremony. What it means. Burned into my mind, my heart. I want the right to choose that ceremony for my life. To celebrate my relationship and my commitment. As of 2005, I, as a Canadian, can marry. It is truly sad for me to think that there are millions of people like me, who cannot access these rights, these customs.
"Gay marriage" is not what is at stake. It's the right to choose to marry, the right to benefits, the right to adopt, the right to access the same set of rights extended to every citizen in the United States of America. Those rights do not extend to homosexuals. And it's f---ed up. And you should care, straight or gay, white or black. Canadian or American.
Posted by Sara Quin on Nov 10th 2008 2:00PM
Filed under: Laugh, Rage, Cry
Reader Comments(1 of 1)
rouf2at 11-10-2008
A very passionate piece Sara
chantalat 11-10-2008
I understand your frustration but we’ve all said and done things we don’t necessarily regret but admit we can learn from. Such is life with the acceptance that none of us are perfect. I am sure you have said a couple things that the wrong ear might not quite understand in context.
As for Prop 8, I think it’s important to remember that things are getting better, and that the votes against this fundamental human right are decreasing over time, especially with coming generations. It takes time, but it is no use losing sleep over. Life is a struggle, and I have a feeling you wouldn’t want it any other way.
But I do understand what you are saying and believe it is worth saying that we should be careful our words. History has proven though that the best way to win over the majority to understand human rights, is to show them that you are a dignified human with patience and composure. Not just some angry minority asking for “too much,” or “over-extending” as Elizabeth Hasselbeck put it on the View today. If we can convince them to like us- we can convince them that we deserve to be treated as equals.
I do think you already know this, as you’ve done a lot in terms of being liked and improving gay rights. I think that queer people are indebted to you, because I do think you have been a part of the change that has occurred and is occurring for acceptance. I guess I don’t understand why you guys are getting so angry now. But all is well, and I hope you are well and continue to be so.
Claireat 11-11-2008
Thanks for your comments, Sara, and I understand your frustration. As a straight thirty-something with an open mind, I simply don't understand why there is a perceived difference between a loving heterosexual couple and a loving homosexual couple. I believe two things... 1) that people are born straight or gay (or bisexual) - there is a sexual continuum, and 2) that someone with the capacity for love and intimacy should have the right to share it religiously and legally with whomever they please. I don't pretend to know the homophobia that you've experienced. I've had many gay friends in my lifetime. I've watched a couple of them die of AIDS and deal with the stigma attached to that. I also attended a college where the campus Lesbian and Gay Organization (ELGO) seemed to go about things the wrong way at times, even though I supported their struggle. I wish we lived in a world where everyone was accepting and open-minded, but we don't. I hope that the election of Obama demonstrates to you that the US can change, and in time, it will regarding gay marriage, too.
Hessikaat 11-11-2008
I was moved by the 2005 Prime Minister address from the TnS MS blog so I borrowed and blogged a bit on top of it... I had gotten so many negative and just sh***y comments about Obama and Prop 8 I was sick to my stomach. I just wanted to cry. I was very, very passionate about this before I realized I was queer but now I'm f***ing heartbroken.
***************************************************
"Get over gay marriage already.
Who is it hurting? I'm spiritual. I understand not wanting to re-define a religious institution such as marriage-I get it. What I don't understand is denying people the right to have civil unions and ultimately denying them basic human rights. This is such a giant step backward and it is mostly a religious argument. Mixing religion and politics aside (wrong wrong wrong), people are being denied the right to love. Who doesn't deserve love? Love doesn't have a gender preference.
OK-I've read the bible and I still don't get it: God is love, sin is indiscriminate, we are all sinners. They must stop preaching what they supposedly believe and start living it for f***s sake! Stop breeding hate and start respecting people's rights as HUMANS. The bigotry has got to END.
By the By... just because they don't want me to doesn't mean I won't call my girl my wife if and when the time is right. I never expected to fall in love with a woman-never. But I did and she loves me and is kind to me and we're happy. Just because they're afraid and oppress us doesn't mean I won't love her, or hold her hand and show affection toward her in public. It doesn't mean people won't wed. It doesn't mean we won't all start families and build lives together. If they think this is stopping anything they're ignorant and sadly mistaken. There is nothing that they are keeping people from but our rights as tax payers and more importantly as human beings. I'm so f***ing sad and sick and mad I don't know what to do with myself. We just banned together and made history. It felt good--let's do it again.
Rachelat 11-11-2008
I cannot wait for my government to respect me. But my fear is that it will never happen in America. I've lived in Texas, a ridiculously red state, for my entire life. Granted, I was in Austin, the most liberal city in the state, but I am becoming ill of being prejudiced against for who I love and how I live my life. I am wishing, hoping, praying that America can become more like Canada. People find me insane for saying so, especially people here in Texas. I love everything that Canada stands for and I am counting down the days until I graduate university so I can move.
You honestly inspire me to be the intellectual woman that I am capable to be, somewhat like you. Keep it up, SKQ.
onmysideoftownat 11-11-2008
Food for thought over Prop 8 ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVUecPhQPqY
accidentproneoneat 11-13-2008
Sara Quin, you are role model.
I feel you on everything you have spoken about in your blog today! I too loved looking at wedding and other family/milestone event photographs as a kid, and cannot wait to watch my children and grand children do the same.
Your words (and songs) move me. You make me even more inspired to stand up and speak out about gay rights here in the United States.
There needs to be more people like you in the world!
THANK YOU, for everything you have done, are doing and will do in the future!
chantalat 11-14-2008
Hey, ive been thinking about it, and i feel terrible. you should be angry, and you should not want your life to be a struggle. it was very late when i said that and i was not in a good mood. thats no excuse- i know. what you said was right. there are too many too scared to speak out, and speaking out is the better choice. we shouldn't have to convince people to like us for our freedoms. asking why you would be angry, and saying you should have to struggle and like struggling was as dumb as saying there is a wrong ear when speaking. im sorry i said these things, i even gave myself a low ranking because of it. and elizabeth hasselbeck is a douche.
Juliaat 11-16-2008
This is my favorite article I've read of your guys' laugh, rage, cry.
I love how you've really grasped what marriage means and feels to someone. I've heard many people say that gays still have equal rights and that just because they can't get married, they can be just like everyone else and be as happy. But I know that it isn't like that to the people affected by this. Taking away that hope of one day sharing such a special moment with someone, is sickening.
I am straight, and only in my teens, but it makes me sad when people can actually support a proposition like this.
tinaat 11-17-2008
i completely agree with you, i myself cant believe that even though there has been gay people since the beginning of time, society still hasn't accepted it yet, what is there to wait for, people have grown to tolerate homosexuality but yet to accept it, and it completely fustrates me. i myself would want to have the ability to marry the person i love, i'm saddened by all of this, discrimination is still a barrier that keeps us from being able to love freely, before people used to refer to gay people as sick, or psychologically ill, we weren't sick then and were not sick now how long til' everyone realizes that!
Claireat 11-17-2008
As someone who is straight, who did have a wedding, who has pictures like the ones Sara would look at as a child, who is still married to the person I love, who has a child, it makes me so sad to know that in this day and age gay people are still being denied the basic human right to the same happiness. I am a very spiritual person, and was raised Episcopalian, though I tend to question religion more than I follow it. It seems to me that government/politicians are happy to keep things secular to a point, but are quick to impose antiquated religious beliefs on public policy when it's convenient. Proposition 8 is an example of this, and it was passed by people who fear change, who have no respect for the Bill of Rights or the idea that we are all created EQUAL. Prop 8 is unconstitutional - it's as simple as that. Very much like denying a black man and white woman the right to marry... we've made this mistake before.
Sara - you ARE inspiring, and you are a great role model. And when my 5 year old son is old enough to understand, I'll play "I Was Married" for him, and explain what it's all about, so that maybe he'll grow up to be a more tolerant, caring human being. I have great hopes for the next generation.
ashlieat 12-06-2008
a lot of people believe that gays shouldnt marry because it is a "religious" ceremony..in which most cases it is. if its a religious ceremony, why does the country get involved? what about seperation of state and religion? why cant a gay couple have the same benefits as a straight couple?
i watched a show of two gay men who adopted a child, and i have never seen better parents, or happier people. the child was very sick, eith multiple diseases. a baby that nobody else wanted. the affection they both shared for the child was heartwarming. it made me so angry. i hate where i live.
angieslilkittieat 1-15-2009
I really appreciate what you wrote, i hope that people will listen to you. As a gay american i find it hard to be strong. Its hard to be who you are for fear that someone will judge you for who you are. Its ridiculous what this proposition 8 has done. ALL people should be equal! I was angry but mostly i was upset when i herd this. I can't tell u how much it means to have u say something about what's going on in america. I want to have the same options for a relationship as any other heterosexual.
cardvldg1986at 5-06-2009
Stand before God and tell him all that bullshit.And unless you change your mind and your heart see where you spend the end of time.Women who lay with women as they lay with man shall surely be put to death!!!!