The Crap Stack: The Showdown, Beast, Girlicious

Posted on Mar 20th 2009 3:00PM by Rob Smy
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Here at Spinner, we receive more CDs than we can possibly listen to. Sadly, many of them, whether good or bad, get consigned to The Crap Stack, where they languish until they're eventually carted off to become shiny silver landfill somewhere. However, in our version of Musical Lotto, we've decided to rescue -- completely at random -- three discs from the pile and give them a proper and fair reviewing. Will the chosen CD be crap-tastic -- or just plain crap? Let's find out, shall we?

The Showdown: 'Back Breaker' (album): Let's be perfectly frank: This album has a pretty hilarious photo on its cover -- the guy looks like a cross between a homoerotic depiction of St. Sebastian and a steroid-amped Steven Seagal lookalike. Weird, right? Thankfully, the music on the album doesn't leave the listener guffawing. There's certainly drama aplenty, but it's handled well -- opening track '[Titanomachy] The Beginning' has distant-sounding timpani drums, waves, thunder and chorus-like keyboards, but it quickly gets down to business with some gigantic guitar riffs and thunderous drumming. This band is unashamedly metal, and they don't care who knows it.

There's the good -- '[Prometheus] The Fires of Deliverance' -- meat-and-potatoes metal of the standard any Judas Priest fan would be proud. Heck, we think we even hear some cowbell in there, boys! And, then, there's the bad -- the rather amusing '[Cerberus] The Hellhound Awaits' -- a super heavy plod a-thon that pulls us back to the visual of that cover artwork -- we wonder if St. Sebastian/Steven has a pet Cerberus to go with his butch and bulky image and if listens to the Showdown on his iPod Muscle. Ahem, sorry. Download The Showdown Songs | Buy The Showdown CDs

Beast: 'Mr. Hurricane' (single): This Montreal-ese duo sounds like they have a lot of love for a certain Mr. B. Hansen, circa. 'Midnite Vultures.' This tale of male d-baggery boasts some furiously funky in-the pocket Meters-esque grooves with a push-your-guts-in bass line. Awesomely monikered vocalist Betty Bonifassi sounds like a French Canadian Macy Gray, with an attitude to match, as she belts through lines like "Now I scream 'til the end of the day/Never again, Mr. Hurricane."

If you like either or both of the aforementioned artists, you'll like Beast. Heck, they make Canadia sound funky! Just kidding. We recommend you check them out, post-haste. Oh, and their video is pretty rad. too. Download Beast Songs | Buy Beast CDs

Girlicious: 'Like Me' (single): Saucer of milk, Table Four! Holy crap if these girls aren't a bunch of meanies?! This sassy R&B number is about one thing, and one thing only: how hot and sexy and popular these girls think they are and how everyone else wants to be like them but, um, fails. Like, awesome? Didn't we get this out of our systems in high school, people? Apparently not. Check out these lyrics -- "She tryin' to talk like me, tryin' to walk like me, tryin' to get all the boys in the club like me/You can't chick but I'm-a let you try/To get on my level level, get on my level tonight."

It doesn't get any better from there. What happened to sisterhood? Why play up to the male stereotype and fight amongst yourselves? Why would you want all the men in the club, anyway? I mean, come on. The delicious irony in all of this, as you may well know, is that Girlicious are exactly the kind of clones they are calling out here. They're a manufactured group unashamedly and deliberately molded in the image of those other staunch feminists, The Pussycat Dolls! All four Girliciouses aspired to be a Pussycat Doll. To release a track like this is a stroke of unwitting genius, and nothing other. Download Girlicious Songs | Buy Girlicious CDs