The World Cup of Rock 'n' Roll

The 2010 World Cup is upon us. You've filled out your wallchart pre-emptively and somehow ended up with a Germany vs. England final. You've drawn New Zealand in the office pool. How else to tackle the quixotic task of trying to figure out which of the 32 teams is actually going to be any good come the big kickoff? Why not combine musical knowledge with footballing expertise by ascribing each competing nation an appropriate counterpart from the world of rock to form a musical World Cup 11? It will provide a near foolproof form guide for the big event. Probably.

Oasis = England

Stuck in a circa 1966 timewarp. A vast fan base always expects a return to former glories, only for them to fall inevitably, painfully short. The reality is, these days they're just a better than average bunch of pros rather than perennially underachieving world champs in waiting. Wouldn't everyone be a lot happier if they accepted them for that?
Prediction: 'Stop Crying Your Heart Out'

AP | Getty Images

Blur = Germany

Unlike their great 1990s rivals, have managed to regularly reinvent themselves in order to arrest declining fortunes. A more likable bunch since they came to terms with the transition from chest-puffing favourites to consistently there-or-thereabouts. A little long in the tooth now, but regularly able to summon up reserves of big match experience.
Prediction: 'This Is a Low'

AFP / Getty Images | WireImage

The Strokes = France

Emerged around the turn of the century as a talented, thoroughly modern and ultrastylish collective. Underappreciated back home, despite huge initial success. Struggled in recent years to replicate early form as egos have come into play and ill-advised new directions have been explored. Now have the aura of a golden generation gone to seed.
Prediction: 'Hard to Explain'

AFP / Getty Images | Getty Images

Kasabian = United States

Once the deserving butt of unkind jokes, this workmanlike group of boys have earned grudging respect by sticking to their task and evolving into solid competitors. Experience on the big stage has given them a slightly more cosmopolitan outlook to go with their fierce self-belief.
Prediction: 'Underdog'

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Flight of the Conchords = New Zealand

The fictional version, not the real-life one. Amiable lads who are, in all honesty, a little out of their depth. More bemused to be on the global stage than anything else. Expect them to be on the flight home much sooner than the end of the second series.
Prediction: 'Hurt Feelings'

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Elbow = Spain

Always fancied by the critics and tipped for huge things but conspicuously failed to deliver. Until 2008, that is, when they united the experts and armchair fans in praise of a blinder of a performance. The question now is, how will they cope with the transition from reliable underachievers to Big Time Charlies?
Prediction: 'Coming Second'

Getty Images | Getty Images

Sex Pistols = Ivory Coast

The odds are stacked against them, but they're tough bunch of kids, with talent to spare. Managed by a wily old charmer with top-notch PR skills and a slightly inflated sense of his own worth. Neutrals will be rooting for them to shake up the status quo but more likely will start hot before going down in a blaze of glory in the quarterfinals.
Prediction: '(I'm Not Your) Steppin' Stone'

Corbis | Redferns / Getty Images

Massive Attack = Cameroon

Name connection aside (the Indomitable Lions embody the free-scoring, who-cares-about-defense cliche of African football), a breath of fresh air when they rose to prominence in the early '90s. Since then, however, initial displays of brilliance have become increasingly infrequent. Essentially now a one-man team. Can the wily veteran drag them to glory once more?
Prediction: 'Daydreaming'

AP | Getty Images

The Fall = Serbia

Have been through countless incarnations but always have a touch of dark genius about them. Veer from the sublime to the despicable. Outside bets to do something special but probably more likely to end up in a mass, intrasquad brawl.
Prediction: 'Kicker Conspiracy'

Getty Images | Redferns / Getty Images

Belle and Sebastian = Slovenia

With barely 2 million residents, the smallest nation to have reached two nonconsecutive World Cups (i.e., they have somehow managed to produce two completely different sets of World Cup-worthy players). The finest example of punching above one's weight since a gaggle of fey, camera-shy Scottish indie shufflers won 1999's Best Newcomer at the then pop-dominated Brit Awards.
Prediction: 'Is It Wicked Not to Care?'

Getty Images | Redferns / Getty Images

Elvis Presley = Argentina

Great to look at, spectacularly talented and with a long track record of success. The only problem? A charismatic eccentric pulling the strings who is just as likely to orchestrate the football equivalent of an ill-advised diversion into dismal movie-making as he is pick a balanced 4-4-2 formation. Will 2010 be their 'Fun in Acapulco' or their ''68 Comeback Special'?
Prediction: 'Playing for Keeps'

Corbis | AP

--Matt Glazebrook

20 Rock Jocks World Cup 2010 Coverage Alternative World Cup