Lou Reed and Metallica's 'Lulu' Letdowns and Head-Scratchers -- Count Five

Posted on Nov 2nd 2011 1:00PM by Spinner
Comments

Anton Corbijn

Lou Reed and Metallica's marriage announcement was met with shock on both sides of the aisle. Reed's untouchable rock mythos and highly influential songwriting were to be matched with the greatest thrash metallurgists of all time. The subject matter? German playwright Frank Wedekind's two-part tragedy about a hedonistic society, a couple of Jack the Ripper murders and a social-climbing prostitute. It was a bit of a tough sell from the get-go, and unfortunately, the result is something more troubling than listenable. In celebration of 'Lulu,' we have scoured the blunderous album's lyrics and surrounding stories to bring you the most WTF moments of this lightning-rod album. You're welcome.

1. Lou's Bold Statement
"It's maybe the best thing done by anyone, ever. It could create another planetary system. I'm not joking, and I'm not being egotistical."

Lou Reed's now-infamous words to Vulture predated 'Lulu' by a few months, creating endless speculation about the project. Could they really pull this off? Have Metallica and the Velvet Underground mastermind created something unique and totally enjoyable? People seemed to have thought so at the time. It's plausible that an epic anthem like 'For Whom the Bell Tolls' could have collided politely with 'Sister Ray,' bringing about a sci-fi ballad tinged with distorted guitars and the poetic genius of the New York bard.

Sadly, it didn't.

2. The Profane Grandpa Factor
Reed has always had a pretty dirty mouth, no denying that. But now that he's pushing 70, it's extra disturbing to hear him sing lines like these, from 'Dragon': "The hair on your shoulders/The smell of your armpit/The taste of your vulva and everything on it." Call us prude, but we're just not into hearing old Lou talk about cunnilingus.

Then there's this, from 'Pumping Blood': "Blood in the foyer/The bathroom/The tea room/The kitchen, with her knives splayed/I will swallow your sharpest cutter/Like a colored man's d---." Gore mixed with some racist lingo? No thanks.

3. Having a Good Cry
Another bizarre pre-release moment occurred back in August when James Hetfield and guitarist Kirk Hammett told Mojo magazine of an emotional studio session. While recording 'Junior Dad' (the album's most listenable track) the metal legends were reduced to fits of tears. "I had just lost my father literally three or four weeks previous," Hammett said. "I had to run out of the control room, and I found myself standing in the kitchen, sobbing away. James came into the kitchen in the same condition -- he was sobbing too. It was insane. [Reed] managed to take out both guitar players in Metallica in one fell swoop, with his amazing poetic lyrics." We wonder if Metallica was a bit too weepy to notice that the song clocks in at a bloated 20 minutes long ...

4. Small-Canine Aggression
The album's eighth track, 'Little Dog,' fits with the anti-bourgeois themes present in Reed's source material. But instead of detailing the strife of a poor hooker, Reed and Metallica take aim at a much more innocent target. "Listen to him barking/Listen to him call/Little dog don't have much at all/A puny body and a tiny d---/A little dog can make you sick." (Also, there's yet another reference to oral sex: "Little doggie face to a cold-hearted p---y/You could have a taste.")

So, would they have been happier with a well-endowed Pomeranian?

5. More Where That Came From?
In an interview with USA Today, Reed had this to say: "No one wants 'Lulu Part 2,' but on Radio Lou, in my head where I hear these songs, I want more of it."

Uh oh.

Watch the Full 'Lulu' EPK