The Black Crowes' new album, 'Warpaint,' isn't a very good one and "hasn't left Chris Robinson and the gang much room for growth," according to a music reviewer in the March issue of the esteemed publication Maxim. Actually, for the word "reviewer," substitute "soothsayer," as scribe David Peisner arrived at his two-and-a-half-star (out of five) assessment of the retro-rockers' first studio LP in seven years without actually having listened to it! The band's label, Megaforce, had not released any advance copies of the disc.

Suffice to say, Chris Robinson and his mates are just a bit perturbed about this no-hear-'em critique from the magazine best known for its stature as the primary literature choice of girlfriendless teen boys. Squawks the Crowes' manager, Pete Angelus, "In my opinion, it's a disgrace to the arts, journalism, critics, the publication itself and the public. What's next -- Maxim's concert reviews of shows they never attended, book reviews of books never read and film reviews of films never seen?"

Don't leave out publishing pictures of scantily attired B-list actresses they've never, er, met.

One day after a sex tape allegedly featuring Gene Simmons surfaced on the web, the KISS bassist is speaking out ... but not denying it. He writes on his official site, "You may have heard or seen garbage that has sprung up from my past. Rest assured the proper legal team is looking at all ramifications and options."

Simmons goes on to assure fans that his family, including his two children and live-in girlfriend of 22 years, will be just fine. "Shannon, Nick and Soph are happy and healthy," he writes. "All is well. And thank you all for the kind words of support."

The video, posted by a website run out of Panama, shows a man appearing to be Simmons in several different sexual positions with an Australian model named Elsa. The woman is a spokesmodel for Frank's Energy Drink, which is a product that Simmons also endorses.

A sex video allegedly featuring KISS bassist Gene Simmons has surfaced on www.GenesSecret.com. The footage appears to be Simmons in several different positions with an Australian model named Elsa, who is a spokesperson for Frank's Energy Drink, a product which Simmons also reportedly endorses.

If the man in the video is indeed Simmons, it wouldn't be too far-fetched. The rocker has boasted that he has slept with more than 4,600 women, which he claims does not bother his live-in girlfriend and mother of his two children, Shannon Tweed. He was also a presenter at the 2007 AVN Adult Movie Awards, where he won the 'Golden Tongue Award.' And he told Spinner in an exclusive interview last year, "Life is like being a stripper: Eventually you've got to take it all off." He also joked with us that fellow sex-tape star Paris Hilton is "a bigger rockstar than anybody."

GenesSecret.com is run out of Panama by an unidentified owner. The site is charging $9.95 for a one-day viewing of the racy video.

Matt Costa is the latest victim of gear theft, joining the unfortunate list that includes Sonic Youth, Dinosaur Jr. and Grizzly Bear, among others, who've all been robbed in the past few years. While vans are typically the target, Costa's gear was lifted from the inside of the Garrick Centre overnight storage in Winnipeg, Canada. Keep reading to see the list of missing equipment and find out more about how you can help.

The Descendents certianlty give Kiss a run for their money when it comes to shameless merch. The pop-punk pioneers have offered up items ranging from toilet seats to Vans sneakers and coffee mugs. Now, folks can purchase the band's semi-historical 1995 GMC Box truck -- complete with a couch, some makeshift beds, coffee stains and plenty of unusual odors. Keep reading for photos and info on how to get in on the truckage.

Here at The DL we know the importance of some good booty time. But when tappin' dat, what are you listening to? We wanted to know so we hit the streets to ask you what tunes you be bumping while you're bumpin'. T.M.I.? You be the judge.

It seems Babyshambles singer Pete Doherty has traded his one addiction for another. His new vice? Mincemeat.

At a show at the Tap 'n' Tin pub in Chatham, England, the 28-year-old reportedly declined drink offers from his (anti-sobriety) fans. Doherty later said, "It's going to be mince pies for me this Christmas. I've got a massive order on the way."

But this new food obsession isn't quite AA approved. Mincemeat is made of beef suet, beef, or venison combined with dried fruit, spices and ... brandy.

Lily Allen may be working on new material for her forthcoming album, slated to be released in 2009 -- yes, 2009 -- but you're not going to hear it anytime soon. However, the lippy Limey was generous enough to release her cover of Electric Light Orchestra's 'Mr. Blue Sky,' a song rumored to be on said new album. The rendition was originally recorded for a French mobile commercial, but can also be heard in its entirety through this video clip, which displays a still image of the British pop star Photoshopped in a cartoonish barber outfit.

Amy Winehouse's mother, Janis Winehouse, wrote an open letter to her embattled daughter begging her to come home and deal with her personal issues.

The note, published in Britain's News of the World on Sunday, was spurred by last week's photos of the 24-year-old singer wandering the streets of London, wearing only a red bra and jeans. However, the incident was but one of the singer's many recent troubling moments.

"We want to help you, but we know that unless you want to be helped -- unless you come to us -- anything we tried would be in vain," Janis wrote.
"We were terrified after we saw those pictures of you earlier this week, wandering the freezing streets of London at dawn in your underwear," she continued. "All I wanted to do was rush into those pictures and wrap you up in a big, warm blanket."

The boys on the cover of 'The Black and White' album stopped by The DL to show us Sweden's new national sport. It's a dangerous, take no prisoners game of concentration -- raw power like nothing you've seen before. If not properly trained, it can lead to blindness, low self-esteem and, in some cases, complete annihilation. In the end, only one will survive. At least that's how they pitched it to us. Who will rule the hive?

As obsessed, cumpulsive music freaks, we at the DL can respect the "more is more" mentality of music portability. You never know when you'll need that one song to perfectly match your mood. But have we gone too far? Seriously, 80 gigs of music? Do we even know that the hell is on our iPods at this point? Say we stopped you on the street and played a song at random on your iPod. Could you name the song? The artist? The album? The DL posse hit the streets of L.A. to find out.

Everything Oprah Winfrey touches turns to gold. Just ask Morningwood frontwoman Chantal Claret, who made an appearance on the talk show back when she was just nine years old, talking about her fears of having an unexpected death. Judging by her adventurous stage antics, we'd say Ms. Claret is doin' just fine these days.

Watch Claret's 'Oprah' appearance after the jump.

The long strange trip just keeps going for Grateful Dead bassist Phil Lesh. The veteran rocker continues to tour and perform songs from the Dead canon with help from a rotating cast of "friends." At a tour stop in Glens Falls, NY, this past Saturday, Lesh became the town's honorary mayor for the day in a ceremony performed by the actual mayor, Roy Akins. According to a news report on PostStar.com, Lesh said, "As my first act as honorary mayor, it is my intention to pardon Trey Anastasio."

The former Phish guitarist and bandleader, Anastasio, was convicted of a felony drug charge in New York earlier this year. While Lesh's pardon doesn't actually count, he did invite Anastasio to join him onstage for the entire show that night. The setlist included two songs from Anastasio's solo career ('Shine' and 'Plasma') in addition to Grateful Dead classics and, obviously, lots and lots of jams.

Anastasio's only other high-profile performance since his conviction was in August, when he sat in with the Dave Matthews Band in Saratoga Springs, NY.

U.S. distributors for 'Control',' the biopic about late Joy Division singer Ian Curtis, were hoping to raise the dead for the film's American premiere. "Someone from the film's U.S. distributor's office phoned up asking would Joy Division play [the New York premiere]," said former Joy Divison/New Order bassist Peter Hook. "I replied, 'Well, the last I heard, the lead singer was dead but I'll give them a ring and see if anything has changed'."

'Control,' which opens in U.S. theaters today, is also the feature-length directorial debut for famed photographer Anton Corbijn, whose early shots of Joy Division have become some of their most recognized images.

Few would argue that Bob Dylan is anything other than a prolific lyrical genius. However, even fewer would argue that the iconic singer-songwriter oftentimes doesn't make a helluva lot of sense. It's a fine line between genius and madness, after all.

To that end, and to celebrate the release of Todd Haynes' Dylan biopic, 'I'm Not There,' New York magazine put together a list of the 'Ten Most Incomprehensible Bob Dylan Interviews of All Time.' From his rampant mumbling to heckling interviewers to fixing his makeup to uttering something about a refrigerator that turns newspaper into lettuce, catch the legend at his very worst ... or is it his best?

Ten Most Incomprehensible Bob Dylan Interviews of All Time